Jonah Nink

The Hard Times • 22nd May 2019

We Interviewed the Wrong Dave Matthews but Now We Know What a Paralegal Does

When we learned that one of our interns had booked us an interview with the legendary Dave Matthews we were far beyond excited. Dave Matthews, the world renowned singer songwriter and fearless leader of the Dave Matthews Band, was coming to our office to spin a yarn or two about his long career. Maybe he’d get comfortable with us and tell a spicy personal tale about him doing whippits with the trumpet guy. Things took a different turn when Dave Matthews, a 51-year-old father of three from Berwy

The Hard Times • 5th November 2019

End of an Era: I Just Hit Bob Dylan With My Car

The genre defining career of Bob Dylan was brought to an abrupt and tragic end just moments ago after the legendary singer songwriter wandered into the path of my 2014 Toyota Camry. To be fair, it was pretty dark out. Dylan, whose monolithic repertoire of songs includes such classics as “Like a Rolling Stone” and “Blowin’ in the Wind” was for decades considered the voice of his generation. It’s a shame that he didn’t use that voice to warn me that I was about to run him over. Those who knew h

The Hard Times • 24th January 2021

Boy Scout Unaware Old Woman He's Helping Cross Street Is Alice Cooper

LOS ANGELES — Local Boy Scout Matthew Bolz allegedly did not realize that the old woman he aided across the street yesterday was actually heavy metal icon Alice Cooper, sources reported. “I saw this really feeble lady with skin so pale she was almost translucent, struggling with her cane as she waited for the light, and offered to help her cross the street. She smelled like Halloween and cigarettes,” said Bolz, a Tenderfoot Scout from Troop 231. “And she must’ve been crying before I got there,

The Hard Times • 1st January 2020

Barista Wishes More People Would Care He Is Gotye

NEW YORK — A barista at a New York City Starbucks struck a somber tone yesterday, wishing that more of his customers would care that he is actually the Australian singer/songwriter Gotye. “I know it’s been nearly a decade, but ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’ was huge when it came out,” said Gotye while mixing a venti caramel frappuccino for a high school student. “I’m not asking to be treated like the pope or anything, but the occasional, ‘Hey, it’s that guy!’ would be nice. The closest I’ve com

The Hard Times • 19th January 2021

Biden Inauguration Secured by National Guard, One Pissed-Off Sound Guy

WASHINGTON — Capitol security officials announced this morning that the inauguration of President-elect Joe Biden will be secured by 25,000 National Guard Troops and one incredibly pissed-off sound guy, D.C. sources reported. “We are committed to ensuring a safe, incident-free inauguration day, which is why we’ve made the decision to deploy the National Guard and sound-guy Mike Chopski to the Capitol,” said inauguration security advisor Yvonne Struthers. “It may seem drastic, but deploying Mr.

The Hard Times • 23rd February 2020

Facebook Adds New "Wow This Is Pretty Racist but You're Also My Dad" Reaction

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced this morning that the social media giant is launching a new reaction option to allow users to express their conflicting feelings over racist posts made by their parents and loved ones. “Actual conversations with your parents and older family members about what is and isn’t appropriate to post are uncomfortable, tedious, and not easily tracked and sold to advertisers,” said Zuckerberg. “We felt that it was important to allow our users t

The Hard Times • 16th February 2021

Weezer Fan Eats Parasites off Pantera Fan in Exchange for Protection

DENVER — Local Weezer fan Andy Chaplin ate mosquitos, lampreys and other parasites off of local Pantera fan Chad Stern’s back yesterday in exchange for protection from other aggressive metal dudes, sources reported. “I would’ve been torn apart by that pack of Mudvayne fans if Chad hadn’t stepped in and charged three of them. He offered to keep protecting me so long as I agreed to live on his back and keep his skin clean. How can you say no to free protection, no rent and an endless food supply?

The Hard Times • 11th October 2020

Terrifying: The Scandinavians From "Midsommar" Are Real

After watching “Midsommar” for the first time, I told my friends “Man, thank christ Scandinavians aren’t real. That would be terrifying.” He then said to me “Uh, Scandinavians are real.” I didn’t believe him at first, but he was completely right. Scandinavians are real, and they are terrifying.

The Hard Times • 31st August 2019

I Thought This Couple "Looking for a Third" on Tinder Wanted a Three-Way but Now I'm in a Rush Tribute Band

Call me old fashioned but when I first saw that Tim and Annie Lebowitz were “looking for a third” on Tinder I thought that they wanted someone to join them in a casual threesome. I thought they were just a Jim and Pam looking for their Dwight but it turns out they were Geddy Lee and Neil Peart looking for their Alex Lifeson to round out their Rush tribute band. To be fair I don’t speak a word of Italian so when I read on their bio that the ideal candidate could proficiently play La Villa Strang

The Hard Times • 27th June 2019

Sellout! This Loser Has a Job, House, Car, Wife, Kids, Stable Income, Friends, High Self Esteem, Good Health…

Uh-oh DIY gang, it looks like we have a sellout on our hands! Pat Jenkins, former guitarist of the now-defunct legendary hardcore group Risk Damage, was just spotted leaving a Barnes & Nobel in Geneva, Illinois. The once hardcore legend turned thirty-five-year-old dumb loser sellout was spotted walking over to his 2019 Mercedes while holding a gift meant for his “child.” “My wife and I are very proud of our daughter for being an avid reader at such a young age,” said Jenkins, the stupid fuckin

The Hard Times • 15th February 2020

We Scored This Awesome Interview With Tom Morello After Hitting Every Button on the Elevator

It’s not every day you get to interview a legendary guitarist like Tom Morello. You never know when an opportunity might strike so when we ran into the mastermind behind Audioslave and Rage Against the Machine in a New York City elevator last week, we knew we had about 30 seconds to make this happen. So we gathered ourselves, calmed our nerves, and hit every button on the elevator panel. The Hard Times: We can’t wait to see Rage Against the Machine reunite at Coachella this year! How did that c

Oregano • 4th February 2021

James Caan Unaware 47 Different Weed Strains Named After Him

LOS ANGELES — Up until this morning, veteran actor James Caan was unaware that there were different types of cannabis, let alone different strains. So one can imagine his shock in learning that there is even one, let alone 47, named directly after him.

3rd February 2021

Steven Spielberg Finally Qualifies For Amblin Entertainment Internship

LOS ANGELES – After nearly 60 years working in the entertainment industry, filmmaking legend Steven Spielberg has finally met the prerequisite experience for an internship with Amblin Entertainment, hiring managers report. “It’s been quite the journey, but I’m finally close to fulfilling my dream of landing an internship with a major studio,” said Spielberg while finalising his resume, cover letter and demo reel. “As a teenager I was always frustrated that no studio would hire me as an entry le

JumpKick • 27th January 2021

Personalized Eye Floaters

Tired of the same old boring squiggly lines floating around in the corner of your eyes? Ever wanted to customize them with rad shapes and colors? Introducing Personalized Eye Floaters, the latest innovation in fashionable ocular obstructions that, with the help of your generous donation, is sure to take the world by storm! How does it work? Eye floaters are made up of small clumps of protein called collagens that cast shadows on your retinas. We’ll open up your eyeballs, do some sciencey stuff

8th March 2021

‘Midnight Cowboy’ Is A Great Film That I Should Have Watched Before Showing It At My Kindergartner's Cowboy-Themed Birthday Party

Midnight Cowboy is a blunt, unflinching and raw examination of poverty, masculinity and the naivety of youth. It's a hauntingly beautiful film and a must watch for every film lover. My only regret is that I wish I had watched the film before screening it at my 5-year-old son’s cowboy themed-birthday party.

20th January 2021

Ken Watanabe on Staying Motivated By Pretending Godzilla is Real And Knows Your Address

Ken Watanabe has been a staple of Warner Brothers’ “Monsterverse” film franchise since its debut with 2014’s Godzilla. The 61 year-old actor sat down with us to discuss how he stays motivated personally and professionally by pretending that Godzilla is real and knows his home address. ‍ Plot Twist: How do you keep motivated to work after such a long and prolific career?‍ Ken Watanabe: Well if you love what you do then it isn’t really work. I try to have fun with every role I get. I also tell m

Oregano • 28th December 2020

Stoned Man Prepares for Another Year of Staring at Home Exercise Equipment from Couch

CHICAGO — Local stoned man Berry Smith announced today that he looks forward to another productive year of staring at his treadmill, hand weights, and medicine ball from the comfort of his couch. “My fitness goal this year is to not have a fitness goal. It did wonders for my mental and physical health last year, so it only felt natural to keep it up,” said Smith while lighting up a joint on his couch. “I’ll still walk, run, and bike when I feel like it — hell, I’ll even go hiking every now and

The Hard Times • 15th September 2019

God Confirms Bible Takes Place in ‘Spy Kids’ Universe

LOS ANGELES — After years of speculation, God finally confirmed at a press conference today that the events of the Bible, the Holy Book central to all of Christianity, have always taken place within the same cinematic universe as Robert Rodriguez’s Spy Kids films. The statement was made after the Holy Spirit announced at the same press conference that he and Rodriguez would begin collaborating on a new project. “Rob helped me punch up the first few drafts of the Bible, and in return I helped h

Oregano • 15th December 2020

Republican Senator Recalls Tragic Day Marijuana Shot Abraham Lincoln

ATLANTA — Incumbent Georgia Senator David Perdue claimed yesterday, during a debate with Democratic challenger Jon Ossoff ahead of the January 5th runoff election, that he would be more on-board with the legalization of recreational marijuana if it wasn’t for the drug’s role in the assassination of former President Abraham Lincoln. “I simply cannot condone the legalization of a drug that murdered Abraham Lincoln in cold blood,” said a tearful Perdue while gazing into a locket necklace with Abra

JumpKick • 4th September 2020

Replace My Useless Son With a Cool Alligator

My son is useless. There, I said it. The boy can’t hold down a decent job or find a girlfriend, and only seems interested in ruining my legacy. It’s clear that my son will remain a loser for the rest of his life, so it’s time for me to cut my losses and move on to something better. Every dollar you donate will go to helping me replace my disgusting, worthless son with a cool alligator. I have chosen to purchase an alligator because they are objectively superior to my son in every way. Below you